Grandparents

My Grandmother, Phyllis Miles, August 2011 at my cousin's wedding

The seasons of life are ever-changing. We are born, we live, and we die. Our lifetime on this planet is filled with relationships that teach us lessons that we carry for the rest of our lives. In the beginning, we have our families, and as we grow, our network of relationships grow along with it. Although many of us will have 100's of relationships of varying degrees from acquaintances to soul-mates, all of us have a few core relationships with people that we carry through most of our lives. One relationship that seems to offer lasting positive memories is the relationships that forms between children and their grandparents.

Many people can recall fond childhood memories of connecting with a grandparent in a deep and fundamental way. I consider myself one of the lucky ones because I was fortunate enough to have one grandmother, and one grandfather who loved and supported me throughout my childhood. In fact, I was doubly blessed because I enjoyed relationships with both grandparents until I became an adult. My grandfather passed away when I was 21 years old, and my grandmother passed away this past October at 84 years of age.

The last time I saw my grandmother was at my cousin's wedding this past August. It was a reunion of sorts for us because it was the first time that I had seen her in 8 years. As I listened to her talk, I realized that so much of her was still the strong women that I remember from my childhood. She even looked exactly how i remembered. I also realized what a blessing it was to be able to enjoy the company of my grandmother at the age of 37. As we talked throughout the evening the thought that circled through my mind was how lucky am I to be 37 and still have a grandmother!

My grandmother, Phyllis, was the second wife to my grandfather. My biological grandmother had passed away before I was born, and my grandfather was blessed with meeting a second life-time mate in one life time. My grandmother had also been married before, and she also had children from her previous marriage. Between the 2 of them, they had 6 children. My grandfather had four children, and my grandmother had two.

Although my brother and I were technically step-grandchildren, my grandmother embraced us as her own. In fact, when I was older and learned that my grandfather had been married before, I was very surprised. Even if we were not connected by blood, she had always been exactly what a grandmother should be. In fact, she was my grandma.

I was raised by a single mother, and our extended family lived hours away. We were poor, and didn't always have the money to take vacations to visit them, and my grandparents always made sure to bridge the distance by coming to visit us once a year. I remember how excited I would be when they were coming to visit. My very own grandma was coming to see me.

I would spend the day sitting on our front steps watching for their little white Nissan truck to come around the corner and pull into our driveway. Their visit was always short, but in the couple of days that they were there my grandmother would treat me as if I was the only granddaughter in the world.

My grandmother also had magic powers. For instance, she used to rub the facecloth after she put the soap on and explain that by doing this that the soap wouldn't burn my eyes. She was right. When she washed my face, soap never burned my eyes. She made me birthday cakes full of money, and somehow I always got the richest piece. She was able to always help me find the most interesting treasures when we were out combing beaches. When I was in grade five, she road 6 hours on a Greyhound bus to come to watch me make a speech to my school when I was running for Student Council Treasurer. Just having her there, cheering me on gave me the confidence to carry though with my speech.

When I became an adult, I drifted away from my family. Life and distance did not give my Grandmother and I many chances to connect. Looking back, I would have liked to have more of a relationship with her in my adult life. The memories that we created when I was a child will warm my heart for the rest of my life. They are stories that I now share with my children about my childhood, and the important people whom I loved so much.

When I look at all of the people that have come into my life. I am blessed because there are many people that I hold fondly in my heart. My grandmother, and her love for me are imprinted on my heart forever.
In the big scheme of things, our time together was short, but throughout my childhood, she loved and supported me in the ways that only a grandparent can.

To close, I would like to say Thank You to all of the grandparents who love their grandchildren unconditionally. You give us, your grandchildren your patience and your wisdom. We will never forget your kindness and love.

When Spines Throw You Curve Balls

My daughter Gabrielle is seven years old. She was diagnosed with Idiopathic Juvenile Scoliosis 1 year ago. In layman’s terms, for an unknown reason, her spine, instead of growing straight, has started to curve. Idiopathic scoliosis affects approximately 3 children out of every thousand under the age of 18. Children who are diagnosed under the age of ten are rare.

Gabrielle’s spine is curving in three separate places. The most prevalent and most dangerous curve is right between her shoulder blades. The curve is causing her rib cage to rotate, and without treatment could eventually impede her heart and lung function. In an effort to try and prevent her spine from curving any more while she grows, Gabrielle is required to wear a TLSO brace. This is a hard plastic brace that goes from her armpits to her hips. She is required to wear it 23 hours a day.

Anyone who has an active six year old can understand my dismay at trying to understand how to manage such a restrictive apparatus. When she was first fitted with the brace, it looked more like jail than a treatment. It is very tight, and it restricts her movement in the torso area. The first day that she wore it, she had it on for an hour. Watching her just trying to sit down looked uncomfortable, and picturing her wearing it, to me at least, looked like torture.

The hour seemed endless, and after we took it off of her, her skin looked angry and red in the places that made contact with the brace. In order to toughen her delicate skin, we had to vigorously rub all the red areas with alcohol wipes to prevent sores or blisters. No matter how logical this seems in theory, most children – and even many adults don’t wilfully submit themselves to torture even if it is good for them. Each day, we extended the time in the brace by an hour until eventually she was wearing it all of her waking hours.

Gabrielle has spent the past six months in her brace wearing it 23 hours a day. In the beginning, we always seemed to be focused on the things that she couldn’t do while wearing her brace. She couldn’t pick her toys up off of the floor (she milked that one), couldn’t completely dress herself any more, she needed help in the bathroom, I had to boost her into our Jeep, she needed help getting out of bed, the list seemed endless. The first time she tried to maneuver herself down our snow covered walkway she slipped and fell backwards and became stuck on her back in the snow. When I went to help her up, she reminded me of a turtle that had flipped over on its shell.

Thankfully, children are adaptable. As the months have gone by, Gabrielle has learned to do almost everything that she did before. She is even able to put her toys away again (after I found her kneeling to pick up money one day). We have even learned some bonuses to spending all of your time in a hard plastic brace. She is never cold and rarely needs to wear a jacket, If she is walking with her friends, she can lay down and her torso becomes a portable bench that seats two, She doubles as a snow shovel if we get stuck, I have a hard surface to write on whenever she is with me, and when I wake her up in the morning, her brace supports my weight as we have our morning snuggle.

The prognosis for Gabrielle is uncertain. The hope is the brace will keep her spine from curving any more than it already is. Unfortunately, as many as 95% of children diagnosed with scoliosis before the age of ten go on to require spinal surgery to prevent progression of their curves. I have chosen to focus on what we need today, and let tomorrow take care of itself.

Gabrielle’s brace has become a part of our everyday life. In the beginning, she used to ask me why she had to have scoliosis. As a parent, I felt frustrated because I had no answer to tell her. Today, I have heard her explain to people that there is no why. “It just is.” In the end, it has been my young daughter that has taught me that no matter how “crooked” life gets, acceptance allows us to realize that it isn’t good or bad – it just is.